I seem to be sick again. It started suddenly.  Yesterday afternoon at 2pm with fevers in Bunnings.  First I was cold.  And then I was freezing.  And then I was beyond freezing.  Sitting in the car with the heater blaring directly on me, I still could not warm up.

Got home and threw myself into bed.  Flannel sheet, Winter Doona, Fleece blanket… still cold.  Beg Tara to put another doona on top of me.  Please.  More!

Still cold.  I can’t  warm up at all.  Shower.  I hobble my aching body into the shower and heat up from the outside out. Clambering out of the shower, I head back to bed.  With wet hair.  Not my wisest decision, but by this time I am not thinking. Piling all of the blankets on once again, doubling the top one over, I try and relax.

Sleep eventually comes, woken time and time again by the ferociousness of my shaking.  Tara brings me water.  My body is aching from the shakes.  Sleep comes again.

OMG, so hot!  Throwing blankets off.  Dripping in sweat.  Sheet is wet.  Throw my legs out into the cool air, only to freeze again.  All night I alternate between freezing and frying.

Morning comes after bad TV, skulling water, and fractious sleep and I feel headachy but fine.  A little sweaty, but fine. I have a dehydration headache, so I reach for a massive glass of water, and some panadol.  Ready to attack the day at a Blogger’s Event.

I notice I am sweating all day. Water, Coke, Water, Coke (don’t kill me!). On the bus on the way home (and after the prompting of some friends on Facebook) I decide I should see a Dr.  Especially when I am reminded I have been having kidney pain on and off for a week. (In my defense, last time this happened it was nothing).

The doctor sees me, takes a recent history and asks me to wee in a cup.  I oblige.  Even I am shocked at the colour.  Like tea that has had the teabag in it too long.

The doctor does a dip test and she is confused with the results.  “I’ve never seen that before” does not leave me a lot of confidence.  That’s what they said about when Avery died.   Some of the results show infection.  Kidney and Liver.  I am sent for blood tests and given a script.

The pathologist gets my vein the first time.  She laughs.  It’s my day today!

I go back on Monday for results, or head to the dr again if I get worse or if things change.

Hot and cold today, but not as bad as last night.  And I have started the meds, and had cranberries for dinner.

Having had Renal Failure in July, I am a touch paranoid, but it seems this time I was right to be…

10 months.

I could be sappy.  I could be hurt.  I could be jaded.

But I am just lost.

I hate you.

I hate you for not being here.  I hate you for leaving us.  I hate you for breaking my heart.  I hate you for dying.

But I love you beyond measure and the hate just ebbs and flows, grows and wanes.

I can’t stand seeing the sadness in her eyes.  Colouring every moment within her reach.  It’s not fair that we broke her.  You and I.  Together.  It all went wrong and fell apart.  We broke everything.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  I spent most of it trying not to think about you.  Trying not to hurt or cry, to be happy for Tara and joyous in what I have.  But how can I be fully entwined in Mother’s Day when one child is missing?  When one half of my Mother role was ripped away?  When there was no card with your name upon it?

Don’t get me wrong, I adore your sister and I loved the day I had with her, cuddling on the couch, going out for brunch, unwrapping the charms of T and A… but there was a gaping big hole.

You.

I have realised I become startled when some words cross through my mind. It just happened right now reading the word Stillbirth.  I found myself not breathing for half a second and the words register in my mind.  Still Birth. Still at Birth.  Dead.  You.  Me.

Gasp. Breathe.

My heart has been frantic.  It’s the lead up, the anticipation, the subconscious worry about nothing, everything.  The taste of the panic rolls around in my mouth. Metallic as the lungs and heart work over time trying to get ahead of the fear.  The fear of … remembering?  Forgetting?  Forgetting and then remembering… 12 months is coming so fast.

I am constantly overcome by the desire to hurt when I feel overwhelmed with thoughts of you.  I don’t know why.  I do not understand.  It will be something to talk over with the new psychologist and my counsellor at SIDS and Kids.  I have felt that way before… a long time ago.  I have not gone that far… of making myself hurt.  It is not somewhere I want to go again.  But it is tempting.  I understand the self destructive behaviours one can get trapped in when thinking of something so powerfully painful.

I miss you.  The pain is palpable.

With a fire in my belly that roars and rages.  My eyes burn with the pain of tears that do not come, and my body shakes and writhes in agony when they do.

I need to find a place, Avery.  A place for you.  A place to go and visit, to leave the house and be in the fresh air.  Inhaling your energy swirling around the skies, through trees and grass.  To lay down and breathe you and be with you.  I was near Rookwood Cemetary the other day and I just wanted to go and lay there, stay surrounded by the peace that such a place brings.  I don’t want to lay you to rest anywhere… not yet…  I don’t think.  But perhaps I just need a spot.  I know I can go to any place and do that.  But I think I need to do more than just go to the local park.

A friend suggested I go visit a special retreat.  I think it might be a good idea.  I think it is something I could benefit from.  Perhaps.  I need to think about it more.  Confronting demons is not one of my strong points.

Why does time keep moving forward? Why can’t it all just slow down and stop for a while, let us stay here and just BE.

I want to swear and curse and shut the world out.  Run down the street, feel the cold icy drops of rain penetrate my skin and scold my bones.  I want to cry and scream.  Always.  Free the screaming from my head.

But I don’t.  I can’t.  I won’t.

I will never ever have the answers I want.  I will never have you in my arms, and I will never ever understand why you are not in my arms, turning 10 months old today.

10 months Avery.

Gone for 10 months.

And as time passes more babies come, more bellies grow, and my arms are still as empty as ever.  Heart irreparably damaged.

10 months is too long and too short.

Tomorrow your name will be seen by many people at a fancy ball.  I will be dressed up, thinking of you.  Wearing my love on my sleeve, and proudly saying your name.

Wishing more than ever, that I never had the reason to know SIDS and Kids at all.

It was calm. It was beautiful.  It was frantic.  It was chaos. It was calm.

Tara was lovely, and manic all at once. Exhaustive.

Avery was missing.

Alternating between feeling so blessed.

And so broken.

My heart won’t slow down.  The house is quiet.

I can’t sleep.  I am so tired.

I feel upside down.

Still spinning.

It’s just another day, right?

Blessed.  And Broken.

Not enough sticky tape.

I should be 28 weeks.

I should be big and fat and round.

But I am not.

I am not.

I miss Colt.

I miss Avery.

It’s fucked.

If you have known me for a long time, you will know my thoughts on babywearing.  For those who are new to this game, let’s just say – it is very important.  In fact, that is probably an understatement in my books.

Currently there is a movement going on in Australia called Carrying On Campaign (COCAM). And so I thought I would share.

Carry Me On

Weaving tapestries
Black, white, grey
Moments woven
As I rock and sway

Downy soft hair
Velvety smooth skin
A Welshwoman’s shawl
Boy snuggled within

Brahms lullaby
Whispered with tears
A fragment of time
Withholding of fears

Singing and Dancing
Him wrapped in tight
A lifetime of memories
In just one night

Sweet baby boy
Held close to my chest
Woven memories
And a mama blessed

WIN an ABIGAIL the Bunny courtesy of Hallmark and Hespera’s Garden.

We LOVE Abigail here.

LOVE LOVE LOVE.  Abigail has gone to school, sleeps in Tara’s bed and loves visiting friends.

She can get a little carried away with her cues if Tara is reading, or can give you the silent treatment occasionally – but she is pretty great.  We cannot wait to get more Abigail books!

For your chance to win Abigail the bunny leave a comment below answering the following question:

What was YOUR favourite children’s book when you were growing up and why?

Tara will choose the winner!

The winner will be announced SUNDAY 13th of May at 9pm Sydney Time.

Australian Entries Only.

Prize will be sent direct from supplier.

I have been creating this set over the last two days, and so I thought I would share.  It is for sale, as a set, for $120 with postage included in Australia.

Alice in Wonderland - Alice.

Alice in Wonderland - White Rabbit

Alice in Wonderland - The Mad Hatter

Alice in Wonderland - Queen of Hearts

Alice in Wonderland - The Cheshire Cat

Alice in Wonderland - Tweedledee and Tweedledum

The colours are much more dull on the photos as I have taken images with my phone and applied a filter.  The paper is Bright White, just to give you an idea.

If you are interested in this set, please email me at info@designsbykristie.com.  If you want to keep up to date with what I am selling, you should follow me on Twitter, Instagram (HesperasGarden) or Facebook.

Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day.

A day for Mothers who hold their children in their hearts instead of their arms.

So to all of you, I light my candle, and love you from afar.

Blessings to you, on this First Sunday of May.

I have been busy.  My brain has been busy. My fingers have been busy.

Rapunzel Rapunzel - For Sale - $25 inc postage in Aus

I have been creating lots of art.  Lots of illustrations.  I am saving to buy a camera. A DSLR so that I can do The Project easier. Mother’s Day is coming up too, so hopefully, bit by bit, the money will come together, and that camera, and that project, will be mine!

Wee Knight Girl - For Sale - $25 inc postage in Aus

While I do have some customs in the pipeline, I have been doing various illustrations as the mood takes me.  It is easier for me to get these out of my head, rather than the customs.

Frog Prince - For Sale - $25 inc postage in Aus

I am loving it.  Thriving in it.  In the drawings, in the fantasy.  In the colours.

Angel Girl - For Sale - $25 inc postage in Aus

I list everything on Facebook or Instagram at the moment, so if you are interested in my artwork, please make sure you check in there!  I will definitely have some coming up in the next week or two!

If you are interested in any of the images above, please email me at info@designsbykristie.com

Regular scheduled breakdowns will resume shortly

There is a ball in 15 days.  A big fancy ball with sparkles and celebrities and it is all in the name of a good cause – SIDS and Kids NSW.

SIDS and Kids Red Nose Day Silver Jubilee.  25 years of Red Nose Day (keep your eye out for more posts!)

SIDS and Kids NSW have supported me IMMENSELY. They have supported Tara IMMENSELY.

If you are a business, or an individual looking for a good cause to support – PLEASE think about the ball.  They need to know THIS WEEK.  (yes, I am yelling.  It is exciting! I think you need to go! $250 per person, $2500 for a full table!)

This little fellow up above is up for sale.  You tell me what you think he is worth, and the most generous person gets to own the very first illustrated fox I am selling.  This is the first ever!  He is even wearing an Avery Green ribbon around his neck!(Colours much more vibrant in real life!).

Send me an email and let me know what you would pay for this little bloke.  By tomorrow evening I will announce his new home! (11pm May 1st).

I will have one or two more illustrations up for sale this week to help get my ticket…  So if there is a type of image you are desperate to own, let me know!