There.  I said it.  Caelan sleeps.  Refrain from throwing things at me until I say the next bit…

He sleeps a LOT.  AND I have to wake him.  Often.

Now you may throw something at me.

Having a newborn is fraught with so many obstacles.  Feeding, sleeping, settling.  And somewhere in there you need to pee.

The thing is, I feel I have to apologise every time I mention to someone – especially a new mum – that my new baby sleeps.  How dare I get a baby who is text book down a 10 second window! I know that the new mum is struggling, I have been there before.  It’s not my fault Caelan takes Easy Baby to a whole new level though.

If I mention he sleeps – because, inevitably everyone will ask about sleep – I am often asked how I did it, or aren’t I lucky, or told that I need to appreciate it now.  Even worse, they ask me what’s wrong with him.

Why should I have to be so reserved about singing his graces? I wish that people celebrated the fact he is his own person.  Enjoy the fact that I am doing alright. I certainly am filled with empathy when a new mama is stressed to the max and her eyeballs are hanging at her knees.  I have been there, believe it or not.  I do get it.  And I will happily take that mama’s baby for an hour or two if she needs so that she can get some sleep.  Or just listen to her if she needs an ear to bend.

Caelan has thrown other obstacles my way, and so while the sleep may be the envy of every mother reading “Baby Love”, I am still struggling with feeding and weight with him.

However his sleep is the least of my worries, and that is ok with me.  He is easy for now.  He’ll probably change.  And I’ll probably whinge and bitch and moan about it at some point.

Now excuse me, I have to go wake the sleeping baby.

It’s been 23 months.

Too Long.

Too Fast.

Too Crazy.

Tonight everything feels on its head again.

Tonight I really miss my little boy.

Tonight I wish I had my three babies in my arms.

This is Tara at 22 months old.  I cannot even imagine Avery at this age.  It hurts that I can’t even picture it.  He is forever trapped as a newborn.  Forever the babe.  His brother is overtaking every milestone he never got to reach.

Though, Avery is still longer…  for this week at least.

Tonight it is 23 months.

And yet it feels like yesterday.

I have not updated for a while.  There is so much going on in my life that it is really hard sometimes to have the time to sit and think and type.  It requires more than 2 seconds of flicking on a facebook page.

But I thought it was time.  You have all sent so many wonderful wishes of love and blessings to us, I thought I should let you know how it is going.

In one word: TOUGH.

And yet, it is the easiest tough period anyone could have. Caelan is almost 14 weeks now – wow – and yet we are still having a number of issues with him.  Ok, not really.  It is one major issue with him.  He does not put on weight well.  The poor little tacka is almost at the 5kg mark.  Not big!  Especially considering how old he is now.  He looks like a big newborn, except his eyes are wide awake.  It is causing massive amounts of stress for me, but I am holding on.  Just each week as it comes in regards to his weight.  If he does not put on a decent amount of weight this week, we’ll be referred back to the paeds for further investigations.  Fun.

Despite all of that, he is beautiful.  And, believe me when I say I am not boasting this, but he is the worlds easiest text book baby in regards to settling.  He is happy, content, easy going.  He grumbles a little when it is time for bed, or his head goes a little heavy, and I put him down, tuck him in, and walk away.  That’s it.  He is so easy to read and understand.  Sometimes I swear he is talking to me and telling me exactly what I need to know.  I guess it is all about listening to him.

Feeding is still an issue.  I am CONSTANTLY thinking about his weight.  Thinking about when his next feed is, when his last feed was, how much he had, how much he needs to have, will he get 7 bottles in 24 hours, should I wake him, should I let him sleep, did he throw up too much, please dear universe, let him have put on weight!  It is a persistent running commentary through my head, and even when I am sleeping I am thinking about his weight.  I am going to do a post on feeding soon, just so you know what we are going through…

Tara is going ok.  She is up and down with her moods and her attitudes.  One day she is perfect, the next she is opposite.  In fact, it is an hour to hour thing.  But we are getting there slowly I think.  She has taken to dressing and changing Caelan, and adores it when he gets to have a bath with her, and she can wash his tummy.  Unfortunately she has a near-panic attack any time he cries when she is next to him and quickly screams “I didn’t do anything!”.

She currently has Bronchitis, so is barking like a dog, but is fairly chirpy despite the illness.  We are trying to keep on top of it due to her ability to get really sick, really quickly when it comes to chest ailments.

As for me…  I am ok.  My brain is literally darting a million places each day.  I am surprised I can have a straight thought.

I feel gutted often when I go to call Caelan by his brother’s name… or C’Avery…  and it happens so often.  The hurt is rising the close we get to his birthday.  I have no idea what we are going to do to mark his day.  I am sure something will jump out at us.

I might even do a post about his first birthday, since I have not managed that yet.

Life is just going by day by day.  Good Days are mixed with Bad Days and I neither have one nor the other as they are intermixed.

But, as usual I look forward, look to tomorrow and just keep trucking on.  Things will pick up, I am sure.

Hello sweet boy.  It has been a while.  I’m sorry you have been in the shadows a little lately, but things have been more than a little crazy in this neck of the woods.

I was struck full of shock the other day when I realised how close we are to your 2nd birth day.  Two…  what a big number that seems, when you are still so little.  How can two years have gone by already?  It seems like only yesterday I was kissing your forehead.

The truth is, there are 39 sleeps until you turn two and I actually find myself feeling completely overwhelmed when I think about it.  I have not planned anything for the day.  I have barely even registered that it is your birthday next month.  And when I do think about it, I find myself shutting down so quickly.

Your little brother and your big sister are wonderful.  I find myself calling Caelan by your name many times though.  It brings both joy, and a giant stab to the heart when I do so.  Just goes to show that your name is always at the tip of my tongue.

We visited your tree the other day.  I took Tara and Caelan with me me.  And we took photos of Caelan’s first time.  It felt special to lay him down on your plaque and tell him this is one of the special places.  Even if there are a million high rises going up behind.

I find myself quick to tears at the moment when I think of you.  Sometimes I wish I could just spend a day or two crying about you, embraced in the tears that fall for you.  But there is so much pressure not to lose myself at the moment, to not fall into a pit of postnatal depression, to be perfect and happy.  And I am.  Which is why it is hard not to be afforded a chance to cry and let loose.  I wish everyone would understand that it is ok to get bogged down in grief occasionally.  And that I can actually pull myself out of those pits.  The pressure to be perfect is hard.  While no one has said it to me directly, the reminders about doctors, of medications, of being OK are never far.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I cannot live your life vicariously through Caelan.  That he is his own person and has his own story.  It would be so easy to mark your milestones with his milestones, but I try not to go there.  You did not make milestones, and that in itself s your story.  You were gone long before.

Tara and I talk about you often, but she unfortunately uses you as an excuse for everything that makes her sad… which makes it hard to listen to every night when she goes to bed and does not want to sleep.  She says she is sad about you, about how you died.  Yes, we are all sad, and I reaffirm with her that it is ok to be sad, but she keeps it going and going and going… it makes it tough because I don’t want her to use you like that.  I don’t want to get upset when she brings up your name as a way to get out of something.  Manipulating situations with your name thrown in makes me upset and angry.  But I also don’t want her to stop taking about you because I think it is important.  It is so hard. I do not know what the answer is.  I wish someone could tell me.

Things are just moving forward.  It is a sad reality that it always will move forward, while you remain the same.  We are always moving further away, and it is painful to think that your memory gets hazy at times.That is the nature of time however.  Nothing can be changed.

Sweet boy, I miss you.  So much.  My body aches for you and I wish so much that you could be here.  That I could have ALL of my children in my arms.  Without you gone, I would not have Caelan.  But I still wish I had you.  I long to have the three of you embraced to my heart.  A dream that can never be fulfilled.

Be bright my little man.  Shine on and touch everyone.

There is always magic when you are around.

Won an eBay auction
It was a pick up item
I meet the woman
We talk about our children.
I mention Avery
She tells me she had a stillborn girl
Who would almost be 4
Our SIDS and kids counsellors were the same
I cooed over photos of her two babies
Made her cry
And then i asked this stranger if I could give her a hug
And she said yes please
So two strangers embraced
Feeling blessed in the way the universe works.
Another Touch of Avery Magic

There has been a lot going on. So much so that something has had to give, and unfortunately this blog has been the one to suffer.

Not everything has been going well with Caelan and it has been distressing. Very distressing.

When Avery died, one thing I grieved so much about was our breastfeeding relationship. I’d loved what I had with Tara and longed so much to have had that with Avery. Then to take the lactation suppression tablets made me break that little bit more.

So when pregnant with Caelan I imagined feeding him, and in some ways connecting and feeding Avery too. I looked forward to it so much and could not wait for skin to skin and breastfeeding to start in theatre.

But this relationship has been rocky and bumpy and I’ve needed an army style 4wd to navigate the path.

As it stands tonight, my milk has not remained full enough in my breasts to be the lone nourishment for him. It kills me to even admit it. I have worked hard to get attachment working, milk production boosted, but due to his needs I started comp feeds. I could have looked at donation, but for various reasons did not. I resolved to feed him as was needed… 10 minutes breast, 10 minutes other breast and then a full quota of formula.

But this week he only gained 40 grams and the concerns are high again. Added to the fact that at 9 weeks he is not smiling.

I have done everything asked and tonight I am staring the barrel of a formula tin to feed him on formula as his source of food, and breast for comfort after feeds. It is the furthest from what I want, but I’m doing it. I’m doing everything asked of me. And it just does not feel enough. I wonder if they think I am just not doing what they say. Or that I might be just breastfeeding him only and not formula feeding at all.

I have spent the last 2 hours hysterically crying. But I am not depressed. I am sad. Very very sad. But depression and sadness are not the same and I know the difference. My anxiety is slightly higher, but depression is not there. My psychiatrist agrees.

However sadness is. Grief over losing yet another part of my parenting journey. Sadness over missing out on this relationship with Avery and Caelan. Shame in my body letting me down again. Is it hormones? Is it what I am eating? Is it his suck? Is it diet? Something else all together?

Sadness is overwhelming. But it is not all encompassing. And there is a difference. And I am focussing on that difference.

I can smile. He brings me joy. Tara is amazing and resilient, and we are getting there.

In hindsight this will just be a speed bump, but right now, this is my Everest.

I know I know… the blog has been neglected. I’m sorry. For you and for me, because so many things have been happening, and I have just not been recording them.

Le Sigh.

Life has been more than a little bit crazy the last few months.

Hospital, Traveling, Hospital, Doctors, Hospital, Baby, Home, Hospital, Drs, Nurses, Hospital, Home. Holidays, Drs, Drs, Drs, Home….  I am sure there is more in there, but my mind is too much mush to actually remember.

It has not been smooth sailing since Caelan arrived.  In fact, it has been an ocean of treacherous waves knocking us all about.  The waves are still rocking, but I see calm waters ahead.  I just have to hope the boat is sailing forward, rather than drifting back.

Caelan had issues with jaundice after we left hospital, and apparently had issues with breastfeeding that I did not pick up soon enough, and very quickly things deteriorated.  High jaundice levels, no milk, and a lethargic baby saw us end up being admitted to RNSH paediatric department for an 8 day stay.  We thought everything was on the up and up, until a week later I saw a dr for a weigh in with Caelan only to find that he was back to birth weight again.

He was 5 weeks old at this point.  As you can imagine, this was devastating.  I had been working hard on the breastfeeding – taking motillium, and expressing, and topping up, and feeding more, but it was just not happening.  So, we started on formula top ups.  I’d been doing everything I could, but it was just not working.  I just cannot explain the pain I was in emotionally.  I actually think I have just blacked it out right now, as I cannot even confront the fact I am on this path.  Breastfeeding, a many of you know, is so so important to me.  I fought so hard in hospital during our stay to have only breastmilk pass his lips, and we saw weight gains – that suddenly fell when he was fed from the breast only.  And when his weight dropped back down to his birth weight, I had to swallow hard and reach for a tin.

My aim is still to have him back on the breast 100% over the next couple of months.  I am still on motillium, I am expressing, and feeding, and topping up with formula.  He is drinking more from the breast now that he has been and I am remaining hopeful.

Seeing your baby waste away in your arms is shattering though, and I knew something had to be done.  I know I can feed a baby – I fed Tara until she was over 2… but there is just something not working right when Caelan is on the breast, and I was struggling to do EBM only.  My brain was not coping.

I know I will get there, I know Caelan will get there, but it is hard.

I have booked in to see the Paediatrician next week, as well GPs and my Psych as well. It’s tough.  Life is crazy.

On our final day in hospital a little Avery Magic came floating into our room.

Her name is Natalie. She held my hand when Avery was born. For 21 months I thought about her and ‘Scottish Claire’ and what they did for me that day. Hospital midwives who were with me. I’ve wanted to see them both, to hug them and say ‘I’m ok’. But it’s hard to make contact without feeling like a stalker, or mentally unstable, or just needy…

Besides, would either of them remember me? Remember what we went through? Or is it just a one sided memory?

While waiting in post natal ward I asked about them both, only to find Claire had just left the week before on Maternity leave, expecting twins!

But I found out Natalie was still around, and on my very last day she just happened to come into work half hour early… And my lift home was running late. Finally our paths crossed.

She walked into my room and together we birth burst into tears, embracing each other in a big blubbering hug, tight, firm, full if joy and heartbreak. Remembering Avery, celebrating Caelan. 21 months had gone, but we were instantly back in time.

She met and held Caelan, as she did my first born, Avery. She once again became part of our story.

No wonder she is part of my heart. A blessing in blue scrubs, who held me once again.

A baby has been born!

Sorry I’ve been silent, but I’ve been baby gazing!

Here are the important stats!

Caelan James Charles Tatton
08.03.2013
9.22pm
2.882 kg
45.5 cm length
33.6 cm head circumference
APGARS 9 and 9

I’ll add more info soon!