I don’t want to think about him. But I want to think about him all the time. I am scared to go to that place in my brain, in my heart, where he is, because then the tears will come.  I am scared that if I let them come, they won’t stop. I panic every [...]

A day or two after Avery died (was born?), I was explaining to one of the midwives and to Tara that we will have to find a star for Avery. We have this ritual in our family that when someone or something we love dies we go out one night, look at the stars and [...]

**Detailed comments about my body ahead, if reading about boobs and breastfeeding make you uncomfortable, skip this post* I really like my body at the moment.  My skin is supple and downy. I have shed a lot of baby weight and then some.  My body feels good.  I have curves where I have not seen [...]

I know. 3 posts in a day is excessive.  But there is more to write. Today we brought Avery home. Hubby collected me and we went for a drive to Rookwood to collect Avery and for me to have a look around the Memorial Gardens.  We arrived, went to the cafe, sat and talked quietly [...]

I’m in a bad place today. The Facebook Saga has pushed me over the edge.  And before anyone starts ringing me and forcing me to talk.  I don’t want to right now. I’m not going to jump off a cliff, and I am not at risk of self harm.  I’m allowed to be sad and [...]

I’ve been kicked off Facebook.  Just what I needed. I hope this doesn’t kill my page for Avery.  I might just loose it if it did. I added a photo of labour that breached terms of service.  I can’t believe I was so stupid.  I can’t believe that I made such a stupid mistake. It [...]

I am home.  Finally out of hospital and back in the comfort and warmth of my lounge room.  Watching TV and talking online.  Just pottering.  Keeping my brain active. Hubby has to work today.  Critical computer issues.  And he’s the only one who can work on it.  So he’s there now.  And I am home [...]

Avery wove some magic for me today.  I was extremely stressed and upset about not being part of the process to pick him up. Well, hubby had to do some work, and could not get to the Crematorium at all.  So tomorrow we go together.  And I get to finally see where hubby has chosen [...]

**Rated M for Mature Audiences, Extreme Course Language** Avery comes home tomorrow. And I’m not going to be there to receive him.  I am still stuck in hospital.  It’s happened so quickly.  I expected it to take a couple of weeks at least.  But it’s less than a week and he’s ready to come home. [...]

I am in hospital. Again. I was discharged a week after Avery’s birth, but came back 3 days later. Suffering from localised pain in my right side, I thought it was best to get it checked out.  Hours in emergency by myself (Hubby took me to hospital but had to go home for rest and [...]