Numbness

My stomach is numb.  Physically and emotionally (can a stomach have emotions?) numb.

I am sure I did not have this numbness with Tara after her caesarean.  I am sure that while I had little feeling in the direct incision area, the rest of my stomach was fine in regards to actual feeling.

But this time it is different.

I cannot feel my stomach from my belly button, to the top of my thigh on the right side, across my pubic bone and back up again.  I can feel the sensation of being touched, but I cannot feel it intensely.  My doughy belly feels odd to the touch, worse where the stretch marks are and it is disconcerting to say the least.

It’s like my stomach went numb the day that Avery was born, along with my heart and my mind.  A hole carved and left.  A hole that weighs 4010gms and was 59cm long. I can knead my abdomen and feel the hollow where my ribs have spread to allow him to fit.  The hollow where I used to hold his heel and play with his feet.

I don’t know whether I’ll ever feel my stomach properly.  I know a number of women who have lost sensation in the area surrounding their caesarean, but I’d forgotten that it can happen.

Even if I could touch my stomach and feel my fingers, I don’t think I’d be able to feel the connection anyway.  The numbness is more than physical.

 

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