I {heart} my body. One Day.

I’d be lying if I said, right at this moment, that I love my body.  I would be lying to you all, and lying to myself. The truth is, I don’t. Not right now.  It’s been a hard year.  Physically and emotionally.  My body has conceived a baby and grown a baby.  It has hugged my daughter, and held my son.  Put on lots of weight, and lost lots of weight.  I have stretch marks and a doughy stomach. My body shape is completely different to how it was 12 months ago.

My body is basically in a good place.  I should be happy with it.

I generally love my boobs.  And now that I fit into regular sized fancy-pants bras, that has helped. I like my eyes, and even my smile.  I love tracing my stretch marks on my stomach and kneading the rolls of extra belly through my fingers.  But it’s just part of a package.  And really I want to love it all.

My body did not bring my baby earthside.  He died within me.  My body was unable to protect him.  And I have been shocked to the core and my trust and love for my body (that had finally started to grow along with my baby after years of infertility) has been squashed deep into the ground and stomped on a million times over.

I try every day to be content with my body. Not love, just contentment.  I am sure love will get there.  Maybe if my body conceives a new baby.  Or maybe when my bleeds decide to come easily and with some calendar regularity.  Maybe when I loose more weight, or don’t look pregnant to innocent bystanders.  Maybe when my heart is less broken and mind is less frail.

Maybe one day I’ll just wake up and be in a better place with it all.  I mean, I am sure I won’t be in this place forever.

But for now… for now I am going to put my photo up to remind myself next year where I was…before I fell back in love with my body.

**this was supposed to be a link up post with We {heart} Life, but since I am saying I don’t love my body, I don’t really qualify to post my linky… but I think this post is really important for me… so am hitting publish.

 

**edit. I posted on the linky.

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10 Comments

1
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 7:20 pm

Link it up Kristie. It’s such an important part of your journey, and I’m sure others would love to come and show you some support as well.

I hope so much that when the linky goes up next year you do look back on this post and realise how much your body love has grown in that time.

xox

2
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 7:23 pm

I agree with Kate, link it, it’s part of your journey to loving your body, I think that’s a valid part of what the link is about. Much love to you xx

3
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 7:24 pm

A very important post indeed, Kristie, and if it was up to me, I’d say it definitely qualifies to link up. Before we can love there must be content and respect… I’m not surprised you’re struggling with that after Avery’s passing.

I’m sure many women would find comfort in knowing they are not the only ones who feel like this after infertility, miscarriages and stillbirth. xxx

4
Diahann
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 7:28 pm

I think ur gorgeous! Inside & Out xxx

5
Lesley
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 7:47 pm

I’m with Diahann, you are a beautiful person, inside and out

6
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 7:50 pm

This struck a chord – after the first miscarriage I felt utterly betrayed by my body – that it could not do what simple biology said it should be. So I completely understand where you are coming from.
LInk it. People need to know they are not alone.

7
Sarah Mac
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 7:59 pm

It’s hard to love your body when you feel it’s betrayed you. I fully understand your struggle.

I hope time give you the peace you deserve and the ability to love your body again.

You did the right thing in linking up, hopefully it will be another small step along the road back to happiness.

8
Liz
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 8:18 pm

I also struggle with body image. Different reasons(3 surgical births) but I know how hard it is.
Ive found that the owner of the body seems to be the most and worst critic of all.

I also think you are beautiful, inside and out.
xx

9
Sara
Sunday 30 October 2011 - 9:56 pm

Kristie, this is an amazing, honest & inspiring post
Xx

10
Monday 31 October 2011 - 8:03 pm

thank you – I decided to link up because of you.

keep being brave – I am sorry for the loss of your son. I have no idea how you can write so soon after that- but I do understand that writing is how writers make sense of life, so in that respect it makes perfect sense :)



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