I {heart} my body. One Day.

I’d be lying if I said, right at this moment, that I love my body.  I would be lying to you all, and lying to myself. The truth is, I don’t. Not right now.  It’s been a hard year.  Physically and emotionally.  My body has conceived a baby and grown a baby.  It has hugged my daughter, and held my son.  Put on lots of weight, and lost lots of weight.  I have stretch marks and a doughy stomach. My body shape is completely different to how it was 12 months ago.

My body is basically in a good place.  I should be happy with it.

I generally love my boobs.  And now that I fit into regular sized fancy-pants bras, that has helped. I like my eyes, and even my smile.  I love tracing my stretch marks on my stomach and kneading the rolls of extra belly through my fingers.  But it’s just part of a package.  And really I want to love it all.

My body did not bring my baby earthside.  He died within me.  My body was unable to protect him.  And I have been shocked to the core and my trust and love for my body (that had finally started to grow along with my baby after years of infertility) has been squashed deep into the ground and stomped on a million times over.

I try every day to be content with my body. Not love, just contentment.  I am sure love will get there.  Maybe if my body conceives a new baby.  Or maybe when my bleeds decide to come easily and with some calendar regularity.  Maybe when I loose more weight, or don’t look pregnant to innocent bystanders.  Maybe when my heart is less broken and mind is less frail.

Maybe one day I’ll just wake up and be in a better place with it all.  I mean, I am sure I won’t be in this place forever.

But for now… for now I am going to put my photo up to remind myself next year where I was…before I fell back in love with my body.

**this was supposed to be a link up post with We {heart} Life, but since I am saying I don’t love my body, I don’t really qualify to post my linky… but I think this post is really important for me… so am hitting publish.


**edit. I posted on the linky.

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