The Monster Under Your Bed

Baby loss grief brings up lots of things in your mind, and for me, it brings out a side of me I really don’t like and spend a lot of time trying to fight back, change and stuff back into a box. But I guess that’s something about grief, it’s not rational.  No matter how rational you want to be, there are some things you just don’t have control over.

For me, it is judgement. I try very hard not to be a judgmental person. I try, but I don’t always succeed.  It is a constant work in progress.  I try to be tolerant and accepting.  But it is hard. So so hard.

And with all of that, my internal dialogue works overtime. When reading, or in conversations, or visiting lots of different places on the web I am confronted.  I feel evil for some of the things I think.  I scream at my own thoughts, and wonder how it is that I can think or feel like that.  And then I remember… My baby died.

—–

“I had a miscarriage” That’s nothing, I had a stillbirth. Full term at that. So there.

“My baby died when they were 3 months old” At least you got to hear them breath, and have photos people are not afraid to look at.

“I gave them a bottle” Buck up and give your babe your boob.  I’d do anything to feed my baby. I’d do anything to feed YOUR baby.

“The car seat is so expensive” Cheaper than a freaking funeral.

“I let them cry for 30 mins, they are fine” Fucking pick your baby up. Hug them, hold them. I could do it for you if you like. If your baby is too much trouble I’ll take them off your hands.

“She is a birthing Goddess!” Yes. Her baby did not die.  She pushed it out and it survived.  I could not even have mine cut out and it survive.  I’ll never be the Goddess, I am toxic! (oh how the Goddess has come to bite me on the arse!)

—–

See.  Monster.

I AM A MONSTER!  How can a woman feel like that?  How can a mother, who has gone through those exhaustive nights, held her own alive baby (who is now a beautiful young girl) think like that about other mothers?

I have held babies.  I have held NEW babies.  I love to hold and cuddle babies and enjoy them for who they are, the wonderful beings they are.  But birth is so hard for me to palate.  Photos shake me, deep within my heart to a point I cannot breath.  Where did this woman come from?  THIS IS NOT ME!

Well, perhaps it is.  The new me.  The new me who has no control over where her brain runs to.  The new me who wants to throw up with both terror and joy at the announcement of new babies.  The me who has nightmares of other peoples babies dying because I touched them.  Because I am cursed.  The nightmares of babies dying because I looked at them, because I dared mentioned to a mother that a baby died in labour, because I am the statistic they doctor refers to when they say “That’s a really low chance”.  The visions of one hundred new born babies, soft and squishy and in that floppy new-to-the-world state, hovering above my head and one by one them stopping breathing, hearts turning black, all because they had something to do with me.

I am the monster under the bed.

Will it ever go away?  Will my mind ever return to a place where I do not have to have my own internal war over what I feel and what I experience?  Will the anxiety ever leave? Will I ever separate the rational with the irrational?

Will there ever be a time where I can listen to a mother’s commentary about their baby and not scream at them in my head because their baby made it and mine didn’t?

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12 Comments

1
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 11:34 am

Kristie, I’m no expert, but your feelings sound utterly rational and normal to me. I know I’d feel exactly the same. Feel what you need to feel, and try not to judge yourself too harshly for those thoughts. Love to you x

2
Veronica @ Mixed Gems
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 11:34 am

You are human. You hurt. Your reactions after losing Avery make so much sense. They don’t make you a monster. If I were in your shoes, I’d no doubt be feeling and thinking the very same. You show so much bravery telling Avery’s story and writing about your grief. You are an amazing woman.

3
Kathryn
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 11:37 am

Hugs Kristie…..

4
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 11:45 am

I am a bit the same – when I hear someone whinging about being pregnant – I want to scream at them to STFU and be grateful for the blessing they have – there are no words I can say that would make you feel better- but you are no monster.
Just Tara and Avery’s very loving mummy xo

5
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 11:47 am

It will slowly my love. Not for a while. But it will. You can be the monster under my bed if you like xxx

6
Karen
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 12:19 pm

I have negative thoughts about some of the crap that mothers say and I don’t even have a child. ;) I think it’s pretty normal.

The answer to your questions is Yes. It’s just that you have to journey through your grief before you are able to become the person that you will be after this experience. Hopefully this person will be someone who you love and adore are so proud of for how they have taken this tragedy and allowed it to make them a better person.

Until then…
Be really, really kind to Tara and Avery’s Mum. Cut her some slack, be gentle with her and treat her as you would your very best friend. She’s actually kind of awesome.

7
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 12:40 pm

I think the answer to those questions is yes, because you recognise that these thoughts and feelings are not true, and I am sure day by day you will win the fight with them so they don’t plague you so much.

The responsibility of motherhood can feel crushing when even the smallest thing goes wrong, whether it is in our control or not. But the thing is, those without that sense are the true monsters under the bed. Not you who would have done anything for Avery.

8
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 4:14 pm

Oh lovely. You are not cursed, not a monster. What a horrible weight you are carrying :( .

I find it interesting hearing other women talk about their birth fears… mine are very simple. This is the first time I’ve ever really been aware of the possibility of myself or my baby not making it. I know some people look at my preparations and my plans and think I’m paranoid. But I think they’re blase! Different journeys… I’m sure you’re sick of people saying you sound normal. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with that pain day after day. Sending you lots of love, dear friend. xx.

9
Lea
Wednesday 16 November 2011 - 4:49 pm

Your ‘monster’ side will stay for a while…and then it will go – grief ‘sucks balls’ (as my not so very polite husband would say) – just look after you as best you can xx

10
Sunday 27 November 2011 - 10:44 pm

You are doing the best that you can for what you have been through. You will get through it, you will be different from who you were before, but you will not be like this forever. You take as long as you need to. No one will ever understand your pain & that is a heavy burden to bear, but you are so strong & you will get through it. And you are not cursed, nor are you a monster – you are a person who has been dealt a really shitty hand. But really, nothing I can say will make it any better or any easier. Just know that there are people out there(that know you personally or just through this blog) that are thinking of you & your family & willing you to get through. For your daughter. For your son. For you xx

11
Wednesday 14 December 2011 - 3:44 pm

[...] Tatton from Hespera’s Garden The Monster Under Your Bed – The bitter internal dialogue when justifying your thoughts about your baby die. This is the [...]

12
oliando
Tuesday 13 November 2012 - 10:00 am

revisted this entry to share it with someone. Always powerful. <3



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