Anxiety

I lay down to relax, to watch T.V. or to just chill out.  My mind goes blank, to that world of no thoughts and fuzzy nothingness.  Relaxation starts to descend like a silk cloth dancing over skin.  This should be perfect.  This should be wonderful.  But it is not.  The moment my body relaxes and my cells release the memory of the day, my body is overwhelmed.

My heart rapidly starts to beat. Faster and faster and faster.  I can feel it deep within my chest.  The vibrations can be felt with my vision.  Thumping in and out of focus.  Nothing has triggered me. Nothing has struck me unawares.  My body has been in hyperdrive for so long, that when it slows down and relaxes, it freaks itself out and things “What the fuck?! Why is she not panicking? Why is she not hyper aware? QUICK!”

It is disconcerting. The “feeling of impending doom” hovers above my head and threatens my every move.  My neck is throbbing, the pulse within it beating violently. Fast and unpredictable.

No, that is not true. It is predictable. 47 beats normal. Instantly jumps to 110.  No reason. No issue. No cause for concern*.

The car accident 10 days ago did not help.  In fact, was probably a catalyst.  Added to no plans and just winging it a lot, I think I just need to get back to a little routine and control.

The vertigo from conference has dissipated, thank goodness. But everything is just… odd.

Counselor for me on Monday, and then for Tara Monday afternoon. A chance for us to debrief lots I think.  Anything to release the pressure from this cooking pot.

 

*Cardiologist checked me out.

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4 Comments

1
Alison
Saturday 21 April 2012 - 9:54 pm

Hi Kristie,

I have GAD and get terrible panic attacks – same as what you described. They happen out of the blue, in circumstances that should be relaxing. They are totally physical and debilitating. I just wanted to let you know there is someone out there who understand exactly what anxiety feels like. It’s awful :(

Hope you feel better after seeing your counselor this week.

Do yo udo the funny breathing technique where you take a long one in and then puff it all out, stopping along the way?? It sounds ridiculous but seems to help me. It also really helps if I go outside and breathe in the fresh air and sit with my dog.

Sending lots of love your way x

2
Alison
Saturday 21 April 2012 - 9:55 pm

Hi Kristie,

I have GAD and get terrible panic attacks – same as what you described. They happen out of the blue, in circumstances that should be relaxing. They are totally physical and debilitating. I just wanted to let you know there is someone out there who understand exactly what anxiety feels like. It’s awful :(

Hope you feel better after seeing your counselor this week.

Do you do the funny breathing technique where you take a long one in and then puff it all out, stopping along the way?? It sounds ridiculous but seems to help me. It also really helps if I go outside and breathe in the fresh air and sit with my dog.

Sending lots of love your way x

3
Alison
Saturday 21 April 2012 - 9:57 pm

I’m sorry, I somehow accidentally sent that twice but can’t work out how to delete it!!

4
Saturday 21 April 2012 - 9:57 pm

*hugs* It’s not easy living life with a go go go attitude. You’re so brave and strong for getting help and saying enough is enough. I am hoping that relief comes quickly to you my friend.



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