I lay down to relax, to watch T.V. or to just chill out.  My mind goes blank, to that world of no thoughts and fuzzy nothingness.  Relaxation starts to descend like a silk cloth dancing over skin.  This should be perfect.  This should be wonderful.  But it is not.  The moment my body relaxes and my cells release the memory of the day, my body is overwhelmed.

My heart rapidly starts to beat. Faster and faster and faster.  I can feel it deep within my chest.  The vibrations can be felt with my vision.  Thumping in and out of focus.  Nothing has triggered me. Nothing has struck me unawares.  My body has been in hyperdrive for so long, that when it slows down and relaxes, it freaks itself out and things “What the fuck?! Why is she not panicking? Why is she not hyper aware? QUICK!”

It is disconcerting. The “feeling of impending doom” hovers above my head and threatens my every move.  My neck is throbbing, the pulse within it beating violently. Fast and unpredictable.

No, that is not true. It is predictable. 47 beats normal. Instantly jumps to 110.  No reason. No issue. No cause for concern*.

The car accident 10 days ago did not help.  In fact, was probably a catalyst.  Added to no plans and just winging it a lot, I think I just need to get back to a little routine and control.

The vertigo from conference has dissipated, thank goodness. But everything is just… odd.

Counselor for me on Monday, and then for Tara Monday afternoon. A chance for us to debrief lots I think.  Anything to release the pressure from this cooking pot.


*Cardiologist checked me out.

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