I forgot.

How could I forget?  I know I said I would perhaps not write every month. I know I said I was not going to put pressure on myself, but the pain in my heart of forgetting to write on the 14th is rippling through my body and I can barely breathe.

I am sorry.

Perhaps I am not ready to leave these letters behind.

I think about you every day my boy.  How can I not?  But this pregnancy is wiping my brain of all function, my body of all energy, my heart of any focus.

Your Dad and Sister have been off with some bonding time, and I have been alone.  Some of it has been good.  Some of it not so.  Some of it, like right at this moment, my heart wants to shatter because I did not write to you when I usually do.  The one thing I have continued to do for you (and just you) and I managed to forget it.

You should be 14 months old.  Running around causing havoc.  Laughing and giggling manically at the funny faces we make at you, and the way your Dad comes home.  You’d be crying because Tara goes to school and leaves us behind, yet light up the moment we collect her from school.

I’ve been looking at baby things at the moment.  Searching the internet.  Buying some impulse purchases.  And constantly it has swept over me – that feeling of deja vu – having looked at many of the same things when you were on your way.  Except, I am not looking at them for you any more.  They will be for your baby sister or brother.  Someone who only exists because you do not.  Who will only be here, because you left.

Such a precious gift you have give your sibling – given us.  And yet, at such a cost.

Everyone is so excited.  So thrilled with this new baby – and I am too – but there is so many what-ifs floating in the back of my head.  I just wish I could skip the pregnancy all together and have the baby in my arms – hear them cry, see them breathe.  I have no desire to do this pregnancy thing again.  I could quite happily live having only memories of your time in my womb as the last ones…

I can simply not write more tonight my love.  My heart is so sad at having not written to you sooner… I need time to just sit with you quietly now.

I love you sweetie.  I may not write… but I am still here.

Mama