Today was hard. There were lots of reasons it was hard, but one thing in particular made it worse.
Today I discovered my counsellor had left.
You’d think I would be resilient about it by now, but it was another chink in an amour that was already feeling pretty battered.
She’d tried to call me – but it was when I was in Victoria, and had no reception. I got a missed call message. I did not call back. I figured I’d see her in a couple of weeks, and all would be good. Another counsellor had tried to call a few days later – but I was in hospital at the time. Again, I figured I would organise my appointment when I got back to Sydney.
And so today, I went to a session, only to discover she was no longer part of the organisation and I would probably never see her again.
Shattered is just one emotion.
The thing with grief is, you have to trust people with the inner most everything. With the dark thoughts, the light thoughts, the scary thoughts and the painful thoughts. You need to open up your heart and believe that these people will be there for you and will hold the space and support you. And they are. Always. Until they are not.
Because, despite everything you tell them, despite opening your heart to a place you never want to visit, these people are professionals, and not your friends. They have professional lives that continue beyond the one hour sessions they have with you every couple of weeks. They have their own lives they need to fulfil and honour. And sometimes that means they have to leave.
Unfortunately for me, since Avery died, I have experienced it a couple of times. Actually, a few more. I have had a psychologist leave, two psychiatrists leave, a case worker leave, a midwife leave, my obstetrician leave and now my counsellor.
The counsellor and obstetrician are the hardest.
The Obstetrician delivered Avery. I had envisioned her bringing this baby into the world too. We had a bond – she understood me. I understood her. She knew our entire story. Unfortunately, I have been left having to build a relationship with an OB with 5 weeks before baby arrives. It is not that I do not trust the Dr I am being provided, but for 18 months I have been with someone else. You cannot erase what you have been planning for so long.
My counsellor. I had her since Avery died too. And now she is gone. And just like that, I have to move on to someone new. Just before this baby arrives. Trust that, while yes, they have my best interests at heart, the next relationship will be long lasting, beneficial and not take too long to establish.
We have a lot of changes coming up in our lives soon, and there is a lot of trust I have to throw around. I just hope the fear of someone leaving me again does not stop me from opening up when I need.
The last thing I need is to feel abandoned right when I feel most fragile.