Every time I use my phone, his face is there. Snuggled against my chest, nestled next to my heart. I look at the photo and feel many blessings. And utter sadness.
And now… now my thoughts start wandering to what is coming.
The welcoming of a new wee babe into our family unit. A baby who will be Tara and Avery’s baby sister or brother. Their sibling. A piece of them as much as a piece of us as parents.
Except, we will never, ever have a full family portrait. I will never get photos of my three children together. And it breaks my heart in ways I never thought the idea of a photo would.
For 18 months this photo has been everything to me. My children. Avery and Tara.
And now… where do my thoughts roam? Where does this baby fit into this photo? It does not. And I will have photos of Tara and this baby… but Avery will always be missing - never to be a part of the new images.
The thought breaks my heart over and over again… To a point, I cannot actually think about it. I cannot actually let my mind go there because it is far too painful. It is a physical pain that aches through my heart and makes my uterus cramp with a ferocity that takes my breath.
Will my love for this new babe want me to add their photo to the welcome screen of the phone? Will I feel like I am betraying Avery by doing so? Will there ever come a wave of peace with moving on?
How will my heart expand with the love of this new babe, while still honouring and missing Avery?
There are no answers. Just more tears. Just more confusion.