Not just simple photos
February 16, 2013 Kristie - Hespera's Garden 5 Comments

Every time I use my phone, his face is there.  Snuggled against my chest, nestled next to my heart.  I look at the photo and feel many blessings.  And utter sadness.

And now… now my thoughts start wandering to what is coming.

The welcoming of a new wee babe into our family unit.  A baby who will be Tara and Avery’s baby sister or brother.  Their sibling. A piece of them as much as a piece of us as parents.

Except, we will never, ever have a full family portrait.  I will never get photos of my three children together.  And it breaks my heart in ways I never thought the idea of a photo would.

For 18 months this photo has been everything to me.  My children.  Avery and Tara.

And now… where do my thoughts roam?  Where does this baby fit into this photo?  It does not.  And I will have photos of Tara and this baby… but Avery will always be missing - never to be a part of the new images.

The thought breaks my heart over and over again… To a point, I cannot actually think about it.  I cannot actually let my mind go there because it is far too painful.  It is a physical pain that aches through my heart and makes my uterus cramp with a ferocity that takes my breath.

Will my love for this new babe want me to add their photo to the welcome screen of the phone?  Will I feel like I am betraying Avery by doing so?  Will there ever come a wave of peace with moving on?

How will my heart expand with the love of this new babe, while still honouring and missing Avery?

There are no answers.  Just more tears.  Just more confusion.

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5 Comments

1
BecM
Saturday 16 February 2013 - 7:28 pm

Sending my love-i wish i could do more xoxo

2
tattoomummy
Saturday 16 February 2013 - 7:56 pm

Avery will understand.
And Avery will love his sibling. And he will be there, all the time, in all the photos.

even if you can’t see him.

<3<3<3

3
Fe Lumsdaine
Saturday 16 February 2013 - 8:09 pm

Wish i could make it different. xx

4
Liisa Kersevani
Saturday 16 February 2013 - 9:16 pm

Avery will always be a part of your family, and of Fawn child’s life as well. Fawn child will know his brother through photos, through stories and through memories you create. Avery will be as much a part of Fawn Child’s life as he is of Tara’s. And yours and Ally’s.

And whilst I know it is not the same, Avery can still be a part of family photos in the future as you can always include his bear in any family portrait. Xxxx

5
Karen Lee
Saturday 16 February 2013 - 9:46 pm

I was pregnant with my 3rd child 8 weeks after my 2nd child died (9 hours after birth). I carried my grief for my babe that was gone, and my love for the new one growing in my womb, in a strange and confusing complexity of emotions. At the first anniversary of my son’s death, I sat at the grave holding his 3 week old baby brother. On the plaque of the grave are three names only, mine, my husband’s, and our son who was 21 months old when our baby died. I have had 3 more children since then and, like you, their names are not on the headstone, there is no photo of them with their “big brother”. It is so very, very hard. But I know you can do this, because I did.



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