I know I promised to write more frequently. I have wanted to. But life is what happens when we are busy making plans.
Everything is good here, and yet it is not. We are all healthy and happy, and yet we are not. It is all a little crazy and some days are better than others.
You see, right from the start things have not been smooth sailing with Caelan. It has been a hard, stressful ride so far and just when I think everything smooths over, we slam into a brick wall.
We have seen drs and drs and more drs in his 5 months and many a time I have not felt listened to. Of course, it is hard to have people listen and take you seriously when you burst into tears every time you try to explain your fears.
The truth is, I strongly feel things are not quite right with our little boy.
And that is hard for any mama to say.
There are many things that are odd, or confusing, or different with him. Small things, little things. I call them quirks. One or two quirks are one thing,.. A dozen are concerning.
But added to my confusion and fears are the neon question marks flashing around Avery’s death.
Except Caelan is not Avery. And I separate them out as much as possible. I cannot let Avery’s death, and my paranoia, cloud everyone’s judgement on my concerns over Caelan. That is a disservice to Caelan and what he needs.
I need to stop prefacing everything with ‘I know I am paranoid but…’
When we were in hospital two weeks ago some specialists took me seriously and agreed is quirks were… Quirky! This led the was for a large amount of tests to be carried out. Right now, I am playing the waiting game. We see the paed in about 2 weeks. But some tests may take a further 2 months.
In the mean time I will love him, and fight for him, and hold him tight.
He is such a blessing, he deserves it all.