I am feeling sad today. It has been building, but today, today feels heavy, like a weighted blanked is draped around my shoulders.
I miss you.
I cannot believe how much we are missing of you. Not just the physical you, but the experience of you. Of watching you grow and develop. Flashes of your birth buddies are bringing it home to the heart right now that there is so much you would be showing us. You would be teaching us the wonder of the world through your eyes. We would be having conversations, and you would be playing and interacting with those around you. You would call me Mama and my heart would melt.
Instead, it is just heavy.
It is not just me, or your Daddy or your sister or brother who are missing out on experiencing you, but it is the entire world. Everyone is missing out on what you would have to offer with each encounter you had with them. Strangers and friends alike. So much can never be even imagined.
How amazing it would be to have you here.
With two years gone by, I cannot even dream of you as a toddler. I can’t picture you, and how you would be. You looked different, you were not the same as Caelan and Tara. They are twins, just 7 years separate. But you, you were a completely separate experience. A different painting with different brush strokes and a different palette. Caught in a single moment. Caelan and Tara are moving pictures. An interactive motion picture in 3D. You are a rough sketch in muted colours, fading with time. You are a masterpiece, one that everyone adores. But time distorts even the most valuable of all works of art.
I am going to be sharing you again this weekend. With new people, some who may never have heard of your story. I will be exposing my heart, opening the minds of others and hopefully changing the lives of those in the future, who may end up having their own sketches in their life gallery. Who may have loss enter their lives, or someone who they know.
I love you baby boy, and I will never stop carrying your portrait in my heart.