A little to close too home

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**disclaimer** I forgot to say, he is ok! Just an MRI!!

Caelan is currently under a general anaesthetic. I am waiting in the foyer of the hospital, hugging my chai too close, smacking my burnt tongue against the roof of my mouth. The smell of carnations and roses have infiltrated my nose, and yet it’s not overpowering enough to erase the smell of the anaesthetic from my memory.

I tried desperately not to cry. He was left in my baby wrap to have the mask put on, so that he was close and safe. When he struggled, I started singing The Frog Song while they eased the pressure from the mask on his face, and just turned the saturation up instead. Less trauma for him.

But there was no escaping the terror that rose in my heart as I watched his eyes roll back in his head and felt the tension in his body deflate.

The doctors were kind and gentle, telling me that he would feel floppy, worse than usual. I lifted him out from the security of the wrap, laying him on the bed and handing over complete care.

And as I placed his head on the pillow, his arms listless at his side, the memory of Avery and his floppiness flashed through my mind and the tears broke their walled dam and finally spilled free.

As I kissed his cheeks telling him I love him, the destination between the last time with Avery, and this short time with Caelan blurred and for a moment I felt utterly lost.

I hug my Chai closer, and wait for them to call me… To go back and sit with him, no longer floppy, eyes with focus, and a smile to warm my heart.

And am thankful this feeling is temporary. While aching for the baby who never got to sit in recovery.

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