10 months. I could be sappy.  I could be hurt.  I could be jaded. But I am just lost. I hate you. I hate you for not being here.  I hate you for leaving us.  I hate you for breaking my heart.  I hate you for dying. But I love you beyond measure and the [...]

Every single time, it is like train wreck.  I sit there, blinking, looking over and over. I cannot turn away, no matter how much I think I should. I play the words forwards and backwards in my head.  No matter which way I read them, they still stab me, deep in the heart. Blessings and [...]

I have just watched a You Tube video for friends of those who are grieving.  I get a number of questions from people on the blog about what people can do if a friend is grieving the loss of a baby and so I thought this video would be nice and uplifting – something I [...]

Hello my sweetheart. It has been 8 months my darling and I feel I am finding a different place in my grief.  The pain has become a gentle drumming in my heart and only occasionally do I feel that stabbing pain.  I feel grateful and yet, at the same time, sad that the intensity is [...]

There is an article flowing around the internet this morning asking whether or not perinatal grief is being over shared. “Are we over-sharing lost pregnancies?” the article asks, followed by the tag line: “Devastated by perinatal deaths, parents reach out in sometimes disturbingly public ways”. Ouch. And then, to add insult to injury, they have [...]

I come back down the hall listening to the warm and jovial chatter in the light and airy room.  It’s been such a wonderful afternoon talking about Avery, his friends and friendships with some wonderful women. I’ve been buoyed by the laughter and I am in a great place. As I look to the table [...]

I know I start each of these letters the same way, but dear boy, time has been moving away from me again.  Each day, each week, each month the distance grows.  5 long, hard, beautiful, amazing, terrifying, lonely months. We are coming up to Christmas here now.  Your first.  We have decorations on the tree [...]

It hurts. Every. Single. Time. I can’t look away. Burning it into the retinas. I realise I am not breathing. But my heart is pounding. I can feel my heart between my ears, and deep in my chest. Still, I can’t look away. Each one, new and fresh and just as painful as the one [...]

Hello my dearest wee boy. How I have missed you this month. A turbulent crazy month of ups and downs, swings and roundabouts. 3 months.  Where on earth does it go?  Time, that is.  It’s such a foreign concept to me now.  I used to be able to grasp time and passing really well – [...]

Well, before you all have heart attacks and my phone starts ringing off the hook – I’m not pregnant. No, not at all.  We ascertained this the other day, remember?! (sheeesh. keep up!) But apparently I still look pregnant.  Very pregnant.  No less than three people in 3 days have suggested as much.  And actually, [...]